“Top Five Reasons Why Santa Claus Ain’t From the Philippines” (December 21, 2000)

5. He would have a tough time having his sled get off the ground being pulled by water buffalos. Rudolf the Red Nose Karabaw’s nose is red because it’s made of a Queso de Bola!

4. If the elves were Filipino too, Santa’s toy factory would be closed down immediately by Amnesty International’s effort to expose exploited
workers in the Third World.

3. If you saw a Filipino dude wearing a costume on your roof trying to get into your chimney, you’d shoot him too.

2. If you allow Filipinos to worship Santa Claus (as they do Christ), we would find more reasons in life to feel more guilty about our own existence, but hey this time there’s elves and reindeer right?

1. Don’t the Pilipino people already have a fat-ass bastard who was just pure fiction to begin with over there?

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