5. I am thankful that my reconfigured DVD player that plays all regions and can make clean dubs to VHS for friends, kept me under budget for Xmas gifts this year.

4. I am thankful for turning 31 which is just a number and meeting women under 25 who think that me being 31 is, “like, you know, like really cool, you know?”

3. I am thankful that in his new Rio Player print ads and tv commercials, DJ Qbert gives the camera the same glaring stare he gave me when I asked him to do the music for my first comedy CD, Badly Browned.

2. I am thankful that sometimes I would be fortunate enough to find 32 by 28 size pants at the GAP for the city is filled with dudes like me. I will gladly accept your GAP gift certificates to my mailing address. Hey, I know they’re all made with exploited child labor, but damn those kids make me look good.

1. I am so thankful that my godson’s absentee dad hasn’t jumped me from behind for just being a good ninong to his kid every time we see each other at those “all too empowering Fil-Am activists for the the arts events” in the city. Hope you have a better year, dude.