5. Dream about all the pork products you’re missing back home.

4. Write up a list of nice words that rhyme with Abu Sayyaf, then take a nap.

3. Bring back those old childhood memories, where when you were nine your mother sent you to Sunday school when you really wanted to go to the Mosque and hang out with your cool friend, Rashid.

2. Sneak messages hand scratched on banana leaves to the Philippine military to tell them to “stop bombing us, you morons!”

1. Think to yourself over and over again, would I have a chance auditioning for the second season of “Survivor”?