5. Pat him down for candy, lychee cups and cigarettes and take them away from him.

4. Tell him that someone stole the electrical cord to the rice cooker, so now he has to eat bagoong* and Skyflakes cracker sandwiches.

3. Have the local Krispy Kreme shop post a picture of him in the window that reads, “Do Not Feed”.

2. Put him on the Manila weight loss plan where he can only eat dinaguan** smoothies.

1. A 30 foot-long tapeworm named Bong.

*Shrimp paste
**Pork blood stew